She’s Got the Look

I’ll tell you a secret. Looks are very important for one to get married. Now that you know it, it no longer is a secret. Alright? 🙂

Jokes apart. I know a girl who’s been looking for a suitable groom for almost more than 2 years now. She is a good looking girl. Now I wouldn’t say stunning, but fairly attractive. The problem is NOT that she is attractive. The problem is, because she is attractive, she wants her groom to be a very handsome man as well. And she’s been rejecting good proposals regularly in search of the ‘perfect groom’.

It made me remember my elder cousin. She spent almost 3 years in search of a perfect groom. Even she is a very attractive female, and also a highly qualified one. She had a list of other criteria besides looks. Although looks was the primary one. My Mama (maternal uncle) got a high blood pressure and her siblings tore their hair in frustration. But eventually she did find her match and is happily married for last 2 and half years.

I’ve also seen many boys looking for that perfect female to be their wife. Eventually most of them settle for a closest possible match. It makes me wonder, are looks THAT important? “Arre Bhai Soorat pe kyun jaate ho. Seerat dekho yaar. Dil Sachha Chehera Jhoota.” Thankfully my wife didn’t have such a criteria. Otherwise by that equation, I’d have still been unmarried. 🙂

Anyway, remember the ground rule. “If she’s got the look, he’s got to have the looks AS WELL”

The Facial

There is a good humour in getting your facial done. And I’m sure most of the guys will disagree to the ‘humour’ part of it. But believe me, it is only the humour that can take you through the ordeal 🙂

The last time I did one was when I got married. A guy at an upmarket salon in Nagpur had tricked me into buying a ‘Groom package’ and as any other ordinary customer, I fell for the supposed ‘wow’ I was going to get. It all started with a 15 min steam on my face. They wanted to open the pores of my skin so that all the dirt can be extracted out. I wondered, was I THAT dirty? Even before I was nearly choked to death on that ‘steamer’, this wise guy came back with a tiny metal scalpel like thing. I thought he was going to clean my ears. I was wrong. The next 10 min I felt how a sheep must be feeling when she is fleeced. Except, her nose and good part of cheeks are not mutilated. I wonder why Police dont use technique for getting the information out from miscreants.

There is no better torture than to apply the cleansing solutions, or worst the bleach on a already half dead man. The smell of ammonia almost makes you say, ‘buddy, take my ATM pin. But let me go please…’. Sigh! Dont forget, you have just bought a ‘groom’ package. So there was more to follow. A series of different coloured smelly packs was applied on all visible open skin. Every new ‘pack’ applied, as they say, meant another 20 min of waiting period. All in all it took them more than 4 hours to make an attempt to make me look good. The only saving grace was the manicure and pedicure done by a girl between one of those packs. 🙂

So at the end of the exercise, I was told that my face will ‘glow’ after 3-4 days. Without being modest, I thought I looked better before getting a facial done. So that became a ‘once in a lifetime’ experience for me. When my wife asked me if I could go to the same salon and go through the same thing… I flatly refused. Let there be peace 🙂

Murphy’s Law on Marriage

Here are 10 Murphy’s laws on marriages. Of course Murphy has got nothing to do with marriage and the laws have been written by yours truly. 🙂

I hope this light’s up your Diwali and you will have a good laugh.

  1. The demands of your wife will always marginally exceed your capacity to fulfil them.
  2. The price of her new dress (or jewellery) she selects is inversely proportional to the balance in your account. This is true only one way. You know which way!
  3. All beautiful girls will want to be your friend and show interest exactly after your status changes from ‘single’ to ‘engaged’ or ‘married’.
  4. No matter what, almost all Mother-in-Laws are equally bad.
  5. Your wife will be mad at you for the things you least expect her to be.
  6. A husband is always right whenever he is alone or his wife is asleep.
  7. You will get caught talking to a boy/girl you would never have an affair with, even in your wildest dreams.
  8. Your relatives and friends will get married mostly when you are in a bad recessionary state… and your wife will insist you attend all of them (So much gifts!)
  9. No matter what, your wife will never have enough clothes.
  10. A wife will always win all arguments. If she doesn’t, it is your fault.

Keep adding if you have any more 🙂

R A N D O M: Part III

I was just wondering in the morning today. The genie in the bottle must be really cramped for space. Is it not? The way we are cramped for space here in Mumbai? But they (The genies) are shown to have enjoyed a really good living in there. They seem to have a lavish living room and such good homes. Alright wait! I guess I know the secret. If you reduce yourself to a miniature size, you might do wonders with the available space you got. So why not I reduce myself to one fourth the size of what I am. Then I can transform my apartment into a duplex, or even better- a palatial bungalow!

Oh well! I think its either the Liril 2000 or the shower cabinet in my bathroom. Either of them is having a damaging effect on my brain. After all reducing myself will not reduce the size of the world. Is it? Ha ha, this looks like a joke straight from the ‘Khichadi’ or ‘Sarabhai’ serials. 😛

Coming back to the space problem in Mumbai. There is a home available for every one here. Yet every one feels cramped. Although every one wants to stay as close to the root hub, not all can afford it. So why not actually have a rule to construct affordable housing in almost every area? For every 10 premium buildings, we should have one low cost housing colony. It should constitute high rise towers and be designed in such a way that maximum space is utilised for living.

I guess some thing is wrong with the Garnier shampoo as well. What the hell am I talking? Do we really have so much space in Mumbai left to be constructed? And what about the traffic problem? Okay let me suggest. I say levy an additional tax for driving cars during peak hours on busy roads. At the same time, fine people who do not use car pool despite being possible. Encourage use of buses and trains.

Gosh! Even the Gillette shave gel is troublesome.

What the @#$% IVRS

I called the Airtel customer care number yesterday. All I had to do was to cancel my mobile office GPRS plan. It took me almost 10 minutes to actually arrive at the right option and some how the line went dead. I guess I might have pressed a wrong button and upset the IVRS. I was obviously frustrated. But did I have an option? The second time I dialled, I desperately tried to talk to a human being and not just a voice. I finally succeeded only to know that he was a wrong guy I was talking to. Thankfully he could transfer the line and managed to know ‘how to send a simple sms’ to cancel the GPRS account 🙂

This is not all, few days back I had called Deutsche Bank to remind them that I had cancelled their credit card few months back and that they should stop sending me bills with late payment charges. Three emails didn’t work so I had to call. And again I bumped into the god damn Interactive Voice Response System (IVRS). In fact it had taken me three attempts and half an hour to actually reach the right ‘button’ only to find out that for cancellation, I will have to write an application and send it to their branch. What the @#$%! So much for technological advancement and so much for the IVRS.

I dont understand one thing. Why do you have an IVRS in the first place when most of the people either end up choosing a wrong option or are only satisfied after they have spoken to the customer care executive? I’m a traditional guy. I’d like to have human being to answer my call every time I call the customer care, even though it means waiting for some time. Imagine this situation guys, you dial the police helpline or even worse the fire brigade and are greeted by an IVRS. By the time you press one for this, two for that and 7 for some thing else, half and hour has already passed and the fire has gutted your house. Then what?

… and you call your own home. There is an IVRS. It says, “Good Evening! Thank you for calling the XYZ residence. For English press one. Hindi ke liye 2 dabaye. Marathi sathi 3 daba… To speak to Mr. XYZ who is the father, press 1. To speak to Mrs. XYZ who is the mother, press 2.To speak to Master ABC who is the son, press 3 … If you are a boy, press one. If you are a girl press 2. If either of the options dont suit you, please press #… If you are a friend, press 1. If you are a relative, press 2…………………”

By the time you will reach Mr. XYZ or ABC, you will be sick of talking and pressing buttons. I’m already sick. 🙂

Garfield on Planning Future

I love Garfield and there is no doubt about it. Jim Davis is brilliant. Strategists and planning manager… this is what you guys do!